The best piece of Thanksgiving writing on the web.
“1:00PM – Start making stuffing. I volunteer to make stuffing every year. I’ve heard of people who put oysters in their stuffing. That’s fucking gross. I’ve never eaten stuffing and thought to myself, “Hey, you know what would improve this? Shellfish.” Why don’t I make shrimp raisin bread while I’m at it? Disgusting.”
“You Ain’t Got a Hold on Me,” Mark Kozalek
Q: If you could have anyone from history read your book for the book on tape, who would you have? — Nic, Cincinnati
SG: I never wanted to do a book on tape because the footnotes were such a big part of the book. Just couldn’t imagine how they would translate to tape. Then a writer interviewed me for Entertainment Weekly and gave me the greatest idea ever: What if I had Mike and the Mad Dog narrate the book on tape? Mike would read the text, and then, when it was time for a footnote, Mad Dog could come flying in and bang that one out. I’d even let them ad-lib a little so it could sound like their styles. Then it would sound like this:
Mike: “Hey Dog, did you know that Moses Malone’s hands were so tiny that he could barely palm a basketball? He was listed at 6-foot-10 — a stretch — with short arms. Moses was such a stringbean during his early years that Houston played him at pow-ah forwahd. (Long silence.) Is that right? They played him at pow-ah forwahd? (More silence.) Is that right? Really? (More silence.) Apparently that’s right. Wow. I don’t remember that. I do not remember that. (More silence.) I do not remember that.
Dog: And Mike, watching young Moses on tape is like seeing Vince Vaughn in “Swingers”! He’s so much skinnier that it’s completely disconcerting and you can’t stop thinking about it! You can’t believe how skinny he is, Mike! He looks like you did that one time you stopped eating bread! (Laughs hysterically.)
Mike: (Laughs.) Great point, Dog. And also, Moses wasn’t a good passer, didn’t have any post-up moves, couldn’t shoot from more than 8 feet … none of it mattered. NONE OF IT MATTERED. Moses Malone had a yoooge, YOOOGE impact on this league, Dawg. Yoooge.
(OK, maybe it wouldn’t work.)
“Shake Appeal,” The Stooges
Also
I dislike the “aholic” suffix for all things addiction-related. It doesn’t work. You’re not a workaholic, because that would mean that you were addicted to workahol, which we all know is what happens when you mix work and corn and allow it to ferment in an oak cask for 8-16 years.
On the train tonight I saw a woman wearing a t-shirt that read "Pussyholic."
They say the first step is admitting you have a problem.
“Harvest Moon,” Elliott Smith
